Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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