note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
