but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
