i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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