we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
