Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
