i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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