So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
