well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
