Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
