Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
