my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
