I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
