Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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