hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
