im drinking this country out of the recession.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
