I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
