I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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