If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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