my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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