Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
