Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
