He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The power of my boobs compel you
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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