There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
