the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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