the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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