It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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