I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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