You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
