ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
