i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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