I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Walk of Shame today included voting.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize