Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
