Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize