Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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