This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
