wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
