i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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