Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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