are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
