This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
