I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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