I wish my penis had an off switch
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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