So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
