What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
