i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
