Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you win again, gameday.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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