hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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