Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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