I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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