peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
