So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
