Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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