He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
