i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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