I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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