Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
