Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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