My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I will die if light touches me.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
